Two nights in a row I have slept. With all windows open wide, comforted by cool air and night noises, I have deeply slept.
It has been raining. Rice paper-thin rain; pounding rain; cleansing rain.
The combination of this blessed rest and real spring rain has tempered me a bit, which is wonderful and most welcome right now.
My parenting map has been full of complex routes lately. We are trying to navigate our way through some very jagged territory. Feelings are all over the place, so much so that by day's end I truly don't know if I should laugh or cry. Mostly, I have been slipping into a bath. I have been reading this and this, and I have been quieting my mind, hopeful that I will find our way out of this disorienting place.
I will. We will.
I will. We will.
I was standing at the kitchen sink cleaning up this morning's mess when I decided that today what I needed most was to get out and do something creative. Sully and I had most of the day to do anything we wanted.
I wanted to take pictures. He wanted to play football.
We went to my favorite Denver neighborhood, our old neighborhood. For the first time in a very long time, I brought the stroller with so that we could go for a long walk. We ended up strolling for blocks, enjoying small chats with people along the way, and stopping in spots where I wanted to take photos. Then we made our way to a favorite lunch spot of ours. Then we went to the park. We played football. We dashed through the sprinklers in the garden where Eric and I got married. We rested on a blanket in the shade and watched squirrels roll around in dirt. We were gone for almost five hours. Sully fell asleep on the way home and I felt something close to peace.
As I type this it is back to night. The windows are wide open again. The words I will and we will are resting on my shoulder; not fully there, but there.