I'm On It

Theo's birthday is less than two weeks away.  This is the first year that we are not throwing a party and I thought I was completely fine with that.  Until the past few days.  

I've been waking in the middle of the night from wild dreams.  I ordered the groundstone for my dad's grave, a process that has taken a couple of weeks, numerous sketches, long distance phone conversations while hiding in my closet, as if Sully really cares what I'm talking about.  It has been just over a year since his memorial and burial, but I couldn't bring myself to start this final process until recently.  And I'm sure this is the reason for my sleep visions.

In my dream he's still alive.  I can see his smile.  He compliments my handbag, asks me where I got it.  And then he's gone.  I wake.

It sounds dark and sad.  It's just a dream.  Because really, just one year past, I miss him a lot but I'm also acutely aware of the extra layer of myself that has been released, a taut layer of worry.  I always worried about him so much. 

And then, because I'm wide awake in the middle of the night with no bird's prattle outside my window to calm my nerves, I lie awake and think about the birthday party that is not.  So last night I decided that this was just plain silly.  Just because we didn't invite friends and create a special event, the day is still hugely special--you don't turn six every day--and there will be a celebration, indeed. 

He wants to go to Chuck E Cheese.  His aunt and cousins will be in town.  He asked me to bake him a cake with a real Hot Wheels car on top.  And even though it will only be for family this year, there will be a party.

I'm on it.


  1. This is wonderful. Celebrations can look great in all types of different ways. So glad you found what was just right.
    I understand about your father. I seemed to, in some ways, miss my mom more a year after she passed. I wish you courage on this next piece.

    The cake? Well, it looks and sounds delicious.

  2. I love family birthday parties. They seem to keep the focus right where it should be! And this sounds/looks like it will be perfect.

  3. Small parties are the best anyway. I totally relate to lying awake at night with a busy brain, that's the story of my life :)

    xox Lilly

  4. I just threw a party for my 7 year old. I'd much rather have a family party...but you know how kids are.
    Much love to you with regard to your father....