1.25.2013

Prayer Answered


Sully woke me in the night.  A gentle tap tap tap on the sliver of my head that wasn't hidden beneath the covers.  I heard his feet bound lightly down the hallway before he even reached me; I always hear them coming in the night.  He climbed up and slid right into the curve of my belly, dug his icy toes into my legs.  Right there in the middle of the night I felt all at once completely maternal and lovely.  Once, before I had little ones, I dreamed about being a mother.  I saw myself from behind, walking through a verdant park canopied by exquisite ancient trees hand-in-hand with a little one with short hair.  That was the only vision of myself as a mother I ever had.  A dream that became a prodigious prayer, answered.

I was so mad at Theo yesterday.  What happened doesn't even matter now, but in the moment I spoke my words to him with a venomous hiss followed by a thunderstorm of guilt.  Sometimes parenting boys shakes me to the core.  There is something about them, an energy, I don't understand.  I don't know if they hear me.  Even worse is not knowing if they care.  This brings me to my knees at times.  Last night, after the fact, I curled up with him in my arms.  As gently as a mama does, I pushed his hair back and into his ear I whispered, "You are a lovely, wonderful boy and I love you so much."  That is all that matters.

Just write.




11 comments :

  1. Katie, those moments are so hard to let go of, the ones where our words and tone don't match the love-drenched passion we have for them. Thank you for sharing this moment.

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  2. *sigh*, I don't know who I'd be if it wasn't for my children's capabilities to forgive, I have been changed by it...
    just beautiful Katie
    xoxo

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  3. 1) Beautiful and right on, as usual.
    2) My new favorite kid-photo of yours.
    3) What Lynette said.
    4) Interesting what you said about your boys having an *energy* that you just don't get. I can see that. Obviously I have two girls, but I'm very close to my sister-in-law who has two boys and I often find them downright overwhelming. (On the reverse side, I also see how my brother-in-law, accustomed to boy-energy, is overwhelmed by my girls!) If boys are anything like men, they need to hear exactly what you told him. Bravo mama.

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    1. I try quite hard not to get caught up in stereotypes when it comes to boys and girls, but I've spent enough time now around girls the same ages as my boys - and the girls just don't seem to have a rough energy like my two. And that energy is what stumps me. I feel like I'm pulling them off of each other all.the.time. They're laughing hysterically (until one of them gets hurt, and one of them always gets hurt) and I'm about to gouge my eyeballs out. And at times, that roughness feels much deeper. That's what scares me.

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  4. I have found neither of my boys remembers the things I still feel guilty about. They remember things I've completely forgotten that were funny or special or tender or ... you get the drift. Apologize and move on. Show more love after discipline and it's the love they remember. You're doing a great job of parenting! Look at those boys, look at who they are. Who do you think taught them to be those marvelous special people?

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  5. knowing what you're writing about here...feeling and understanding it.
    beautiful.

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  6. how wonderful : ) Remember when you have to discipline him that you don't painfully remember your childhood disciplines! It all comes with age, you're doing great : )

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  7. I love this photo - it embodies childhood so well.

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    1. Thank you, I love it too. When I saw those relaxed toes I headed straight for my camera. :)

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