4.18.2016



The thing about light is that it really isn't yours; it's what you gather and shine back. And it gets more power from reflectiveness; if you sit still and take it in, it fills your cup, and then you can give it off yourself. So I sat still.  

-Anne Lamott


4.08.2016

Well, Hello!

Shortly after the boys left for school this morning, I went into the bathroom. I looked up at myself and caught hold of my own eyes looking back at me. Time went slow and then stilled altogether. I have been happy. I have been unhappy. I have been sad and grieving. Quietness overtakes me. But so does pure happiness, radiant light, and if I'm very lucky - peace. I am different. I am not the same woman I was.

This morning my hair is unusually big and unruly with soft curls; the aftermath of yesterday's updo. This morning my eyes are crystal clear. This morning I know everything and absolutely nothing. This morning, looking deep into myself, I feel beautiful. A broken, whole, beautiful, mess of a person. With one continuous gold thread that is still as stitched and present as ever in every fiber of my being: Gratitude.

Life has gotten busy. There's my editorial and portraiture work, and there's a new store. I certainly do not have a shortage of creativity these days. But those passions are also my work, so there's that. A level of stress. But today I am back here, remembering to let it all go at times. To create purely for pleasure. I miss writing. I've been reading voraciously and taking in more life for the private keeping these days. Less words, less photographs of my own. And that has been okay. In that mirror this morning, out of nowhere (or everywhere) I thought of Twitter. Twitter! So I'm back on (link right here!) A commitment to myself to be writing again - even if it's just one hundred words or so. 

And before I go, a few of my recent favorites.

Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings by Joy Harjo

The Art of Eating by M.F.K. Fisher  *I randomly open and read the story I land on. Scrumptious!

Georgia O'Keeffe and Her Houses: Ghost Ranch and Abiquiu

This local artist. Her Instagram feed is one of my favorites!

This smoothie! I have been making it every day and look just as forward to it as my morning cuppa!

I have adapted my own version from this recipe.



Chai Spice Smoothie

1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 heaping tablespoon almond butter
Dash of ground: nutmeg, clove, ginger, cinnamon, cardamom
1 banana
1 cup of ice

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until creamy. Enjoy!

Lastly,

You wouldn't believe what once or twice I have seen. I'll just
tell you this:
only if there are angels in your head will you ever, possibly, see one.

-Mary Oliver, The World I Live In

1.28.2016

Really


"Whenever you are creating beauty around you, you are restoring your own soul."  -Alice Walker

I've been telling myself on occasion lately that I'm going to give up writing. That maybe writing just isn't as much a part of me now as it has always been. Really, what do I have to say? What words can I possibly string together that, pulled taught, light up the soul? Yep, just give it up. Like an aromatic mist, I have sprayed these thoughts around my desk, around my ideas and sparks, absolutely sure I was convincing myself it was time to let it go. I'd be okay. 

And then.

Lord.

I was standing at the kitchen sink this morning washing dishes when I came to my senses. I am as much a writer as I am a woman. I am as much a writer as I am a mother. I am as much a writer as I am alive this very day. 

I walked over to Sully yesterday and pulled him to my chest. I buried my nose in his hair, the crown of his head, and told him, I love you so much. Squeezes and no, really, I love you so much. And then I went and found Theo. He was playing Wii and totally annoyed that I bear hugged him and made him wipe out in his snowboarding game. Mom. Seriously? Yes, Theo, seriously. Now hug me back like you love me. No tighter, better. Yes. I feel your smile. I love you so much, you know that? Yes, I know, he said. I think you're amazing. Do you know that? I think so, he said. You are. You're amazing. 

Yesterday morning I was sitting in my car with my face to the sun and my eyes closed. A song came on the radio and triggered my grief so much that I sat there and cried in the light.  And then I went to my yoga class. Soften to what is. Soften to grace. Yes.

And maybe bits and pieces like these are why I thought I might stop writing. Because right now where I am in my life beauty and gratitude walk hand in hand with grief and sadness, and I am afraid of it all. I am afraid because nothing is for certain.

I can see now that for me to give up on writing is to give up on being grateful for each and every breath.  Absolutely impossible. Write like you love me, I whisper to myself. Really.