Between Worlds

It was the night of Theo's ninth birthday, the day's festivities coming to a sweet, sweet close. We had just tucked both boys into their beds and turned out the lights, goodnights. A few minutes later, Theo's voice whispered, but how did I get born again?

I keep a cloth bag of vintage blue fabric with a red ribbon drawstring that our old and dear friend Jana gave us when Theo was born. Inside the bag was the tiniest (everything was the tiniest then) onesie with a Batik print on the front. Of course he has long outgrown that onesie, and we've long ago given it to someone else, but the bag remains in a box of treasured heirlooms in my room, and in the bag is a stack of film prints taken towards the end of my pregnancy with Theo and throughout the first four weeks of his life. 

But how did I get born again? I left their room and returned with two photos. One of Theo's birth - the photo Eric took as they pulled him up and out of my womb, just after they had oh so gently unwound his umbilical cord three times from around his neck. The same one when I looked up and saw him for the very first time, alive, wailing, bluish, heavenish. I wept and forever changed in that photo. You can see it and you cannot. The second photo was of Theo just minutes after his birth, swaddled and handed over to Eric for forever's safe keeping. His hands around Theo for the very first time. Sacred.

I turned the light on and we all huddled around the pictures. We told the story of his birth and they listened and studied the photos with wondrous and slightly grossed out eyes, giggles, and questions. 

And there you were, Theo. You, whose name means a divine gift from God.

Ours. Yours. All of it from then on. That is how you were born. 

"Not the why, but the what."  -Hemingway


The thing about light is that it really isn't yours; it's what you gather and shine back. And it gets more power from reflectiveness; if you sit still and take it in, it fills your cup, and then you can give it off yourself. So I sat still.  

-Anne Lamott


Well, Hello!

Shortly after the boys left for school this morning, I went into the bathroom. I looked up at myself and caught hold of my own eyes looking back at me. Time went slow and then stilled altogether. I have been happy. I have been unhappy. I have been sad and grieving. Quietness overtakes me. But so does pure happiness, radiant light, and if I'm very lucky - peace. I am different. I am not the same woman I was.

This morning my hair is unusually big and unruly with soft curls; the aftermath of yesterday's updo. This morning my eyes are crystal clear. This morning I know everything and absolutely nothing. This morning, looking deep into myself, I feel beautiful. A broken, whole, beautiful, mess of a person. With one continuous gold thread that is still as stitched and present as ever in every fiber of my being: Gratitude.

Life has gotten busy. There's my editorial and portraiture work, and there's a new store. I certainly do not have a shortage of creativity these days. But those passions are also my work, so there's that. A level of stress. But today I am back here, remembering to let it all go at times. To create purely for pleasure. I miss writing. I've been reading voraciously and taking in more life for the private keeping these days. Less words, less photographs of my own. And that has been okay. In that mirror this morning, out of nowhere (or everywhere) I thought of Twitter. Twitter! So I'm back on (link right here!) A commitment to myself to be writing again - even if it's just one hundred words or so. 

And before I go, a few of my recent favorites.

Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings by Joy Harjo

The Art of Eating by M.F.K. Fisher  *I randomly open and read the story I land on. Scrumptious!

Georgia O'Keeffe and Her Houses: Ghost Ranch and Abiquiu

This local artist. Her Instagram feed is one of my favorites!

This smoothie! I have been making it every day and look just as forward to it as my morning cuppa!

I have adapted my own version from this recipe.

Chai Spice Smoothie

1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 heaping tablespoon almond butter
Dash of ground: nutmeg, clove, ginger, cinnamon, cardamom
1 banana
1 cup of ice

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until creamy. Enjoy!


You wouldn't believe what once or twice I have seen. I'll just
tell you this:
only if there are angels in your head will you ever, possibly, see one.

-Mary Oliver, The World I Live In