Between Worlds

A dream, anxiety, and the train's whistle woke me in the middle of the night. I looked around the room bathed in moonlight. I felt sweaty, anxious. I had been dreaming of Theo and Sully. The baby Theo that wore an Obama for President onesie and a helmet. The Sully that had long, silky, blonde curls and toddled around in a Grateful Dead tee. That tee. 2 T. And the Beatles All You Need is Love shirt, soft and red. I dreamt of that, too.

This happens occasionally. These clear visions of them when they smelled like apricots and honey. When I can still palpate every chubby fold, run my fingers over every soft crease, see their smiles and hear their screams. Remember that? All those nights of feeling tissue paper thin - the soul version of me that floated between rooms sssshhhiing bad dreams and smoothing damp foreheads while the human form of me remained asleep. I am absolutely certain now that women live between the worlds, especially when mothering. Because I was just between those veils again last night, only more solid now, less papery.

The train whistle, still. Sweaty. Heart beating fast. They are fast asleep, no need to worry. And I am not worried. I am sad. Sweaty. Why does it all have to go by in a flash? Theo will be ten next month. He's already on the 44 days until my birthday countdown. His birthday wish list sits next to my espresso machine. Ten? I miss the version of him in that Obama onesie so deeply that I... well, everything swells into heartache when I linger there. But this version of him now - he's amazing. He has such a thinking brain and inquisitive heart. He's a joy to have conversation with. He creates the best playlists on Spotify and wants solar panels to power his portable speaker so that he can ride around with it on his bike this summer. Sullivan has like no top teeth right now and I swear on my life, it's the cutest damn thing I've ever seen. I stare at the hills and crevices of his gummy pink mouth these days, solidifying every bit of it to my mama-DNA, as I do each and every thing about my boys that makes me feel gratitude and happiness unlike anything else.

Time is important. 

Moonlit glimpses into all that is.

Ethereal existence.

I am memorizing my boys. I am learning motherhood by heart. I want to remember it all.



It has been a very long time since I was last here. But let's not begin there. Let's begin right here, right now...

I am sitting on the floor in my new bedroom. I am sitting in a slant of light with a cup of creamy espresso and milk. I am looking out the sliding glass doors - a giant flood of glass which lets in the light - blue sky right now and two finches playing. I think I hear a whistle, but perhaps it's just my heart, shocked - not because I have allowed myself the chance to sit down and take pause, but because I have allowed myself the chance to remember my password - to log in - to write. I also dusted off the password to my photo account and uploaded this image I took of Theo this past weekend. December Morning. Or maybe I should title it: (not so simply) Theo, age 9, in love with reading novels, growing up way too fast for my heart to keep up with the beat of his, and what has this country come to, and oh - my heart aches when I think too far ahead these days, and oh....

What this really is, my people, is the start of something new. I am writing and self-publishing a book. I have had this idea for years. Now is the time. Coming here first to settle in felt right...

And let's just kitchen sink this post!

A few things I've been cooking and loving lately:

This soup. My boys love it.

This soup. We couldn't get enough.

This Pinterest board where I'm pinning inspiration for our new home, because I love a good design project (or 20).

And this book.  

Lastly, these words that resonate deeply with me these days.

This too shall pass.
Until then,
fetch wood,
carry water,
walk the earth.





I'm reeling the tape of summer memories backwards in my mind, slowly relishing each note in the now quiet September day. It is very possible that these past few months have been amongst the best of my life. Perhaps it's because the boys are getting older, and with that our day-to-day life is much lighter. I also believe I must note that their current ages: 9 and 7 are so stinking amazing and fun. You know I would push life's pause button, if only. Perhaps it is because my heart has shifted and changed so much this past year. And maybe, and maybe... 

If I'm learning anything it is to stop myself from breaking everything into a million pieces. To say with fine gratitude, it was delicious. All of it was just delicious. That is enough.

A list of reads I devoured and loved this summer: